How did all of this happen again? I tried running away from him, but why does he keep on pulling me back. I didn't want to talk to him. But I knew he needed me. I didn't want to talk to him for a long time. I was doing great at it. But he had to go and talk to me. -sigh-....

I guess he has no one else to talk to.

No one else to trust..

No one who knows him like I do....

Update since school started;
    Well, it's been the first full week of school, and it went by really fast. It's amazing how things are in high school. A lot of annoying people. And how many classes you have with your friends. Not to mention lunch. A lot has changed since school started. There are a lot more things going on in life than before, and it's overwhelming. I don't really know where to start. Let's start with school, shall we.
    My teachers are okay, but compared to middle school, the teachers back there are more fun than the teachers over here. Some can be very cranky in the morning, like Mr. Burnett and Ms. Kula. Mr. Loosley and Mr. Gainey can brighten up my day. They're always happy, but Mr. Burnett and Ms. Kula always look so serious. Lunch with the Youth Group guys on A Days and B Days is a lot of fun. They're always pulling some stunts, or something to have a laugh. On B days, a few more people join, and we have even more fun. Spanish is okay, but there are many people who I really don't like. Girls who act like they're above everyone, and how loud they can be. Art on the other hand, is pretty fun, even though I don't really like to draw. The classes are alright. I'm just trying to make the best out of school right now.
    Next, we have my life at home. Things are getting crazier now. All I can do know is either ignore it, or go along with it. Everybody knows I can't drop things just like that. Everybody knows that I'm willing to carry a burden on my back, even if it will kill me. I'm totally willing to do that, and I've been doing that. Even though I'm busy with school, I'm still paying attention to my family. What can I say now. My brother's problem with his wife is leading up to a divorce, and that is their final answer. I don't know if they're actually going to do it, but I know sooner or later, this problem will lead up to a divorce. In the end, they spent almost 5 years together, had a daughter, who is now almost 7 months old. I don't know how I can help them, or what I should do. But all I can do now is carry it on my back. I hoped and prayed for the best, but I know God has His ways.
    My brother is leaving to become a National Guard in May 2008. At first, I was devestated how he decided to become one suddenly. But I understand that it was what he wanted to do, and it is his choice, not mine. I cried when I found out. I cried when he told me why he was going to do it. Even though it can be dangerous, I know I have to be strong, and support his decision. Whatever he does, whenever he does it, I will support him with whatever I have.
    Church is great, everyone has been great, things are going fine, and God is great. I love the experience of being a Christian. I love the way we bond. Worship made me break down in tears. The Spirits were with me when I worshiped to God, and I felt a powerful feeling. I don't know how to explain what I felt. But I know I felt something, and it felt important to me.
    I'm still forgetting about the past. What we were, what we had, and what happened. He was my first, and made the deepest cut in my heart more than anything. I still miss him, and think of him every once in a while, but it's all in the past now. We don't have anything left. He's just my friend, and I'll just have to deal with it. I still shead a tear, every once in a while, but not as much as I did anymore. It doesn't hurt as much anymore, because there is someone on my mind.
    I'm not sure if I like someone new, or is it just mixed feelings. But I know for sure that he is a really great friend. He is there for me when I want to talk to someone. He makes me talk, and makes me feel comfortable when I'm around him. He is almost the one that start the conversation between us, and sometime ask me a few things from the past. He asked me if I still liked him. I said sort of, and somehow, he was silent after I told him. He asked me what kind of guys do I like. Such as their looks, personality. Something along the line. I really don't know why he asked me these things, but the question really is, do I really like him? Am I really moving on? Is this the right path for me? Am I getting myself into trouble again. But he is a really nice, sweet, caring guy. Something every girl wants.
    But for now, no matter how crazy life is for me right now, go with the flow. Don't stop or try and change things. If you do that, you will fall behind, and get lost. Go with the flow, do what you can, if you can't do it, then don't do it. Take risks, if you want. But just don't get lose.

Does... He really still have feelings for me...? I thought he already moved on... I don't care how sad I get, or how hurt I will be... I just want to be there for him, no matter what... People can say I'm fooling myself. They can say I'm wasting my time. They can sy whatever they want. But that can't choose which way my life wants to go. They know I love him. They know I can never be without him. No matter how hard I try to walk away, I end up walking down this road that leads me back to him. No matter how hard I try to not care, I keep on getting worried, how he's doing, what he's doing, what's happening in his life.. I'll tell you the truth. I haven't forgotten a bit about him. I haven't forgotten a bit about what we were. I haven't forgotten anything... I still remember our conversations. I still remember all the late night phone calls, staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning. Our promises, our commitments, our future. I don't want to walk away from him. I never do. I don't want him to walk away from me either.. I love him with all my heart. I don't want us to go our seperate directions. I want us to go through life together. I remember all of our promises. I remember what he told me, what he said, everything. On the phone.. I remember him telling me he prayed to God, to find the one he truly loves, and the one he never wants to lose. He said that he met her, and that girl is me. I remember us promising each other that we would grow old together. I remember when we first told each other that we have feelings for each other, we said we would always wait for each other. Every memory brings me to tears, wishing we could still be together. He was the one who understood me. He was the one who was there for me. He was the one who would just call to say "Hi hunnie, I miss you. And I love you". Can he still be the one? The only one that I truly love, and never want to lose? Ever since the day he went away, the sky in my world has been gray. Even though there are parts of my sky that were bright, but it soon faded away. I have never felt something like this before, and I know he's the one I really want to be with. He was right in front of me... and now he's no where to be found. Why didn't I realize it sooner...?